I’m a huge advocate of self-care. I preach it, I practice it, I believe in it. But that isn’t what this blog post is about. Because frankly, some days just suck. And all the positive quotes, self-affirmations, bath bombs and episodes of Insecure in the world won’t fix it. Some days, all I can do is show up; but please don’t expect me to perform. This isn’t about self-loathing. It’s not even about self-pity. It’s just about being tired… and giving myself permission to say ‘fuck it.’
The truth is, I don’t wake up every day inspired by motherhood. Some days, before my feet even touch the ground I’m already drained, overwhelmed and I have to muster up the motivation to keep going. There have been times where I’ve mentally checked-out before I could even check-in. Motherhood is exhausting. It’s a demanding, full-time job with no breaks. Yes; it’s also rewarding, a blessing and my purpose…but some days, the most I can be is okay.
Again, this isn’t another blog post about self-care.
It’s just about being tired. Stressed. Overworked. Needing to vent, step away… and come back when I’m ready.
Some days I feel lost. Self-doubt takes a hold of me. Staying busy doesn’t help. If anything, it just opens my eyes to all that’s left to be done. The depression monster creeps in. I can’t work it away. Or sleep it away. Or even “mother” it away. Some days it just festers… and then it turns into a funk. It settles in and I’m not quite sure what to do with it. It doesn’t really have a place in my life. It holds no value. It’s like a lump in my throat that won’t disappear.
I’m not looking for pats on the back or uplifting words. That’s not why I wrote this post. But I guess I’m hoping that someone can relate. Motherhood forces you to grieve the person you once were. So some days, I just want to sit and mourn that carefree black girl. The one that had no responsibilities, obligations or insane expectations. That doesn’t mean I’m giving up, and it certainly doesn’t make me a bad mom. It just means that at this very moment; I’m all burned out.
I know that life is all about balance; but there is also beauty in acceptance. Some days my shit is just not together… and the best I can do is acknowledge it, get through it and try again tomorrow.